Bismillahi Rohmannir Rohiim
I had wanted
to write this for a long time but I could not contain my emotions well enough
to enable me to do so. All these pent up emotions I kept within me felt like a
lifetime. As I am writing this, I am
listening to Mesut Kurtis; titled Rouhi Fidak. My tears rolled freely as I
yearn and love to be with Rasullulah and I love to be with my father again.
Reminiscing those 19 years I spent with him left me with much sadness and
happiness. He had created a remarkable impact in my life, as I grew old and in
my fifties now, I began to understand so much about my father. I finally learn
the hikmah behind all his actions and indeed he is someone who taught me the sunnah
of Rasulullah through his actions. Allahu Akhbar, Allahu yubaarik feehu
katsiron.
There is so
much I wanted to say to him. I couldn’t do that while he was still alive as I
never wanted to burden him with my sharing and emotions. He has enough in his
plate already and he had a huge responsibilities placed on his shoulders. I
will carry all these to my grave as these sharing are meant for his ears only. However,
I am just going to write a very brief letter below. It somehow just a little summary
of a few of the many things he did for me.
Bapak,
I remember
the day we walked home from my school. At that time, I was 10 and I was in the afternoon session.You just took up a new job as a delivery driver and you could
not drive home in it as it's a company's rented van. Both you and I didn’t
have any money with us so we had to walk home instead. It was a 2.5km walk and
we had a slow one as you knew I have a severe gastritis. You have always been
the one who fret over my health and doing everything to keep me in good health.
You kept checking on me throughout the walk if I was alright. I kept assuring you
I am alright and continued walking even though I was in pain. I hid it well as
I did not want you to worry. We were so hungry when we finally got home,
finding no food and end up eating biscuits for dinner. That walk is my most precious
and memorable, if given another chance, I will do it all over again bapak. I
will walk with you over and over again.
Each time
when I cried and I hugged you, you would laughed at me yet you stood still and
let me cry my heart out and continue hugging you. As always, you were left
clueless as you didn’t know why I cried. Eventually you will say that I am only
tough on the outside but a tofu inside, too soft-hearted. For that, you
have spoken the truth, no one knew me better than you. Now that I am married,
my husband said the same too. I truly missed hugging you bapak, till today; I
can still see the smile on your face. I can still hear your laughter, mocking
at me for being such a softie and I can still remember how you comforted me and
each time I fear. I remembered you reading and blowing in the water to drink
and reminded me it is not miracle water and that I must find courage in
everything I do. But bapak, that water did the miracle as Allah answered your
du’a and I felt so much better after that. I still remember you ironed my
clothes for my first day on my first job. You are so meticulous in your ironing;
I can never reach your level of perfection, my pleated skirt was well pressed.
As I grew
older, heard and read much about Rasulullah, I saw the similarities and I drew
lessons from them. I saw how you kept quiet and smile even when people mocked, criticized,
shamed and name called you. I hid my feelings but deep inside I was really
angry and wanted to rebut but it was never your teaching. You have always taught
me not to be rude to others and that I have to respect them no matter how rude
they are. You always have a soft spot for older people and I remembered how you
care for this elderly couple from our block. We would visit them and you did an
artwork on their wall and I can still remember how beautiful they looked. Even when
they accused you of money loss, you kept silent and still treat them well. You
even brought them home to our new home and hosted them in the best manner.
Eventually, elderly man apologized for wrongly accusing you and disclosed that the elderly lady suffered from dementia. Eventually, after your
passing, I heard more stories on how you shared your food though you never had
enough to eat. These are just a few good deeds among the many you did. Bapak, I
truly hope you are with Rasulullah now. I pray that those deeds earned you a
close proximity with Rasulullah, close like the distance between two fingers.
Lastly,
bapak, I am really blessed to be your daughter. You and mak are two of the rarest and
precious gems. I kept you both embedded in the deepest corner of my heart. I long
for the meeting with you; I want you to meet my soulmate who took over your job
really well. He too knew when to correct me and how to comfort me. I am sure
you will love him as much as I do. I long for the meeting with you along with
my girls as I knew how much you loved girls because I was the only girl you had
in your lifetime. I tried my best to pass down your legacy to them and reminded them
to continue to the next generation as the legacies bores many important Islamic
values. I long to meet you along with my brothers and their families, you will
surely say that your grandson looks exactly like his father. Bapak, your
artistic talents were inherited by your youngest son and not only that; he
shares the same diet similar to yours.
Till then,
wait for me bapak, wait for all of us. We will surely join you and we longed to
be with you.
Love you
for eternity, fee dunya wal akhirah,
-your daughter-
